tomorrow, ryan and i will be married for ONE YEAR!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ and since it's already tomorrow (friday) in korea...happy anniversary to my sweet ryan!!! I LOVE YOU!!! ♥ xoxo


oh, and i really wish that finn would exit my uterus TIME NOW. :/ nothing like taking every precaution possible to keep him in there until 36 weeks...and then him deciding to camp out and stay in there past then!! blah!! i feel like it's time to POP! come on out, finn!!!


and i got a hair cut today. it was more like a trim, but i had my stylist add some fun, choppy layers in the front. so now the red and purple show through quite well and i LOVE it!! :)



that's about all of the interesting things that i have to contribute to my dear journal today.
peace. out.

it's officially sunday, which means...

i'm 36 weeks pregnant!! finn and i made it! to our goal!! to "full term"!

yay! yay! yay!

ryan and i placed bets on when we think the baby will be born.
so now we're waiting to see if either of us are right! haha.



i'm excited!! and no more blasted progesterone shots in the butt/hip once a week! those fuckers hurt!

and everything is ready. :)

so to my sweet baby finn, any time you are ready, my love, you can be born. ♥

http://www.adn.com/front/story/837239.html


hey everyone,

sorry to send such a depressing email...but the link above is to an article covering the story a friend's death from girdwood, alaska.
she had been suffering from migraine headaches. when she went for a hike, she started getting a horrendous headache and died a while later.
what a surprising and devastating way to die. i especially feel for the friend hiking with her who performed CPR for hours in hopes of saving sarah. :(

the comments to the story are just as important at the story.
as a friend of sarah's and as a migraine sufferer, i am deeply affected by this death.

i don't know how many of you suffer from migraines...but even though i have suffered for years, i have never been told by a doctor the important news that if someone who
suffers from migraines suddenly starts have headaches that are worse than the "usual" migraines or the symptoms suddenly change that a trip to the ER could save your life.
hemorraging, stroking out, and bleeding out are unfortunately things that migraine sufferers are more at risk for. and i wouldn't want to know these scary facts and not pass
them on to someone who may also be a migraine sufferer.
so please, pay attention to your symptoms. and take a trip to the ER if something doesn't feel right. please.

love,
bethany

and i'm DONE!! finn's nursery is finished!!! ♥

i have nothing left to buy for him.

i can officially slumber my life away until he decides to arrive!!
anytime after sunday so that he's 36 weeks! hooray!!


finn's crib is officially ready for him. ♥



right at the end of my bed, so that's he's close to mama. ♥

THREE THINGS!!! and then finn's nursery will be fully prepared for his arrival!! i've been nesting my lil' heart out. so much fun! so today i will find a mobile for the crib, a changing pad for his changing table, some spare crib sheets...and i will probably pick up diapers and wipes, too! always need more of those around!! ♥ i have a sense of peace and calm. everything is ready for his arrival. ♥





i feel so...prepared.

the only things missing from my house are ryan and milo.
ryan will be here in 37 days.
milo will visit sooner than that. ♥

wearing my amber necklace again the past few days has done remarkable things to calm me.
i have a sense of peace, calm, and well-being. (i stopped wearing it when ryan bought me the tiffany's necklace for mother's day. but he told me he misses seeing me with the pretty amber necklace from him. it has so much more character. just like me. hah.)

i was in the hospital tonight for my weekly progesterone shot.
the doctor convinced me to stay to be hooked up to some monitors to watch the baby. and to watch my contractions. she ran some tests as well.
it turns out that i have yet ANOTHER bacterial infection. apparently, having one of these fuckers during pregnancy opens the door of susceptibility WIDE OPEN for more infections to return. or to quote my doctor, "it's a natural bacteria normally in the vagina. however the PH of pregnancy throws off the PH balance and the bacteria can overgrow and throw a rave party in the vagina." LMAO.

the doctor thinks this infection is causing/contributing to my contractions. so i'm back on anti-biotics. oh joy.

and the GOOD NEWS???
on sunday i will be 36 weeks pregnant!!
that means that finn and i made it to our goal date!! ♥
he is officially allowed to be born as a full term baby after that point!

hooray!!!

i'm excited. nervous. and happy to have made it to term.

okay, i'm worried. and i feel like a huge idiot.

what if i don't know that i'm in labor in time?
with milo, i didn't realize i was in labor until i was already 6cm dilated. seriously.
we showed up at the hospital and i had him two hours later.

i'm worried that the same thing will happen again this time. or worse.

i just can't tell what the hell is going on with my body. :(
i've been having contractions for like a week. so that isn't a signal.
my water never broke with milo. it only breaks in 15% of pregnancies. so that may not be a signal.
i have cramps now, but the last time i went in with cramps it was nothing. so. um. yeah.

so i feel really stupid. and worried.
and i don't know what to do about it.

i don't want to be the pregnant girl that called wolf 300 times. you know? which is what i'll feel like if i go into labor and delivery to be checked more than once or twice. so i'm just sitting here worrying myself instead.

any advice. or help???

i have a new hero in my life. ashley zarr. ♥ she is gonna be my 100% no-matter-what birthing partner. i have so much love for this friend. and she even has a 2 week old baby girl of her own. she is obviously awesome.

i'm really high and floating from taking a ton of midrin pills for migraines today plus ambien in hopes of sleepint it all away. now here i am, awake and fucking STONED. i can't even walk without weaving all over the place and hallucinating like mad crazy. hahaha.

i'm pretty amused. but i woke up starving and craving pizza. i want pizza at holdens. but here are mad people over there right now. i don't think i could handle that right now. too fucking OUT OF REALITY. and not in the chill stoned way. more like the tripped out way.

don't think i can handle trying to find the place he orders from then calling and having to have a normal conversation. and payment information? oh fucking hell. hahaha. so confusing. :P

so instead i ate a chocolate ice cream cone. and i'm listening to some tranced out underground hip hop from back in the day. it's quite enjoyable.


in other news. milo was here.
loved seeing my big boy.
he is such a crack up. so full of life and energy.
i love him so much.
we bad a really good visit together. <3
i wish he could have stayed longer than two days.
but his dad drove him down 8 hours from fairbanks.
and must go back to work tomorrow. boo.
milo is so stoked to be a big brother.
he wants to meet the baby now. too cute. :)

while milo's dad, jeff, was here...we went and bought a baby swing.
yay!! such a relief for me to finally have a baby swing!
it's appalling how expensive baby swings are!
i found one of the super nice ones on sale though! plus i had a coupon!
super score!! it was like 55 dollars off. yes!
so milo helped jeff and i put it together.
it's rather cute. though it will be much cuter with a baby finn in it!
i can't wait!!

stay in my uterus just one more week finn! i'm 35 weeks today!
he's "allowed" to be born and considered "full term" at 36 weeks! :) next sunday!! <3
i've been having "real" and painful contractions for a few days now though.
so we'll see what happens this week. :)

okay, i'm too high on prescriptions to function anymore. typing. and thoughts. beyond me.


xoxo,
bee

Damn. Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett died. What a day. :/

http://austin.craigslist.org/cto/1237724242.html




wow. elliott smith's car for sale.

i wish i lived closer to texas...alaska is just a bit far. especially when i'm less than two weeks away from delivering my sweet baby. darn!

i would love to own this beauty.

xoxo

so i was taking some mail out to the mailbox a few minutes ago...
and i had a good laugh.

there were two boys, probably around the ages of 7-9, i think (i'm terrible with guessing ages)
so the boys had a scooter, a bike, and a skateboard and were taking turns on all three in the middle of the street.

boy one took the bike and gave it a good shove so that it went flying down the street at good speed all by itself, and it went quite a good distance.
boy two says "holy fucking hell! that's..." and trails off as he sees me in my yard watching them.
boy two blushes and says, "excuse me for my language. it's just..." and trails off to a whisper.

it was SO CUTE!!!

i was like "it's okay. that was pretty impressive!"
boy two says, "yeah it was!"

LOLZ.
kids are so cute sometimes.

i just thought it was adorable that a little boy apologized to me for swearing. awwww.

i was quite amused. :)

dammit. i tried calling the mental health clinic at the military hospital...

this is where i was seeing a lovely psychiatrist for awhile.
but then i up and bailed on her because my life was getting so hectic that i couldn't deal with having at least one doctor's appointment each week with psych and OB and more.

after this week. especially last night...i need to see her. ASAP.
i want to make an appointment for today if at all possible.
i tried calling (at 3:40 AM) in hopes of reaching a voicemail system, but no such luck.

dammit. so now what?
i already have an OB appointment today, so i think that when my alarm goes off for that...i'll call mental health, explain my situation, and BEG for an appointment.

sigh. i feel like a big fuck-up.

things were so bad last night that i sent ryan an emergency message.
(despite the fact that his company is on the DMZ on north korea's border until tomorrow, so it's really dangerous.)
he used another soldier's cell phone to call me.
i hysterically bawled while panicking at full force. trying to explain to him what i was feeling. how i wanted to destroy myself to make it stop. to make myself feel real again. to be able to deal.
i think i scared him pretty badly.
he was trying really hard to convince me to call for an ambulance.
mostly because i was having a lot of trouble breathing. and also because i was fighting the urge to self-destruct pretty goddamn hard.
talking to him calmed me down immeasurably.
but i promised him that if i started panicking in full force again that i would either call an ambulance or drive myself to the ER for help.
oh, the embarrassment that would involve.

i need help.
i've been on the verge of a breakdown all week.
and here it is.

fucking fantastic. </3

i am having a panic attack. i'm so upset that i'm worried i'm going to put myself into labor too early. i just need the army to send my husband home. is that too much to fucking ask?!?! :(

i'm definitely in nesting mode. ♥

i just picked up lots of stuff for baby Finn!
his nursery is almost complete!!

much love for target, as always.


things left to get:

* more diapers/wipes (always!)
* A BABY SWING!! (probably my biggest concern! swings are lifesavers!!)
* a mobile for his crib
* a diaper genie (with the insert thingies)
* a changing pad for his changing table
* spare crib sheets


and that is ALL!! i can't believe it!!


there are 2 1/2 weeks until Finn reaches 36 weeks gestation and he is officially "allowed" to be born! (meaning he is full term!) yeah!

i am so excited to meet my little guy! ♥

i'm 33 weeks pregnant.
less than 3 weeks to go before finn is officially allowed to be here. ;)
meaning, he will be considered full term. yay!

and all i want in the whole, wide world is for my husband to be here.

he is supposed to be my birthing partner.
to hold my hand.
to rub my back.
to cut the cord.

i'm still in denial.

i don't know what i'm going to do if he can't be here.



i'm starting to worry about it a lot. :(

the book "birthing from within" strongly suggests making at least one piece of "birth art"

"birth art" can be anything for anyone. the mother-to-be surrounds herself with whatever art supplies she wishes for her project, and begins to create.



as with any art, "birth art" is an open medium to create that can include anything and everything.

the goal of this idea is to express how the mother-to-be feels about her pregnancy. her child in utero. her upcoming delivery. worries or fears or anxieties relating to the birthing process. just any emotional connection or tie involved in the complex process of being a vessel that creates life and brings new life into the world.




i feel very serene about the upcoming birth of finn. i have no emotional or physically limitations that would interfered in my birthing process. i am mentally worried that my husband/finn's daddy won't be here for the birth. my biggest concern is that i will be all alone in the birthing room. i crave support for that. so my "birth art" is a vision of myself as the mother goddess who is all-encompassing her child in utero. protecting him and loving him, even from just the tiny peeks into his world, felt mostly as kicks and punches! my ninja baby!



my "birth art" is a projection of the strong, womanly, self-assured, confident, worry-free woman that i would like to be when true labor begins and it is time to use my feminine body to deliver finn into the world.
i know that deep inside, i hold all that is necessary. i can draw upon my own strength and wisdom just when i need it the most, in the throes of labor. and i can draw on the strength and beauty of women past. from the beginning of time. who've passed before me in time while gracefully and successfully delivering their young.

I AM READY. I AM STRONG. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM BEE.

i am not feeling very strong lately.
i'm usually superwoman...meaning that i can handle anything.
my shit and everyone else's too.

lately, i'm super emotional and hormonal.
i cry at the drop of a hat.
and while a good cry feels great...
i feel so weak.

i miss ryan so goddamn much.
it really hurts.

being an army wife is a fuckin' bitch sometimes.
i hate not being able to talk to my husband when i want to.
or need to for that matter. :(

i haven't heard from him in over a day.
so that means that he probably made it back to his army post.
and he's probably getting fucking screamed at for being late.
as if it's his fault the army fucked up and took away our whole paycheck so that he couldn't buy a ticket back and was forced to travel Space A.
then the whole north korea thing...all of the Space A flights have been packed full of officers and such for war meetings. so ryan has been stranded.
but his chain of command are assholes. and they won't care about any of that.
they will just chew his ass and punish him. it's bullshit.

so here i am.
little miss insomnia.
crying my eyes out.

i feel like a winner.

I don't need anyone to hold me
I can hold my own
I got highways for stretchmarks
See where I've grown


so earlier today i discovered new stretch marks. BOO! i made it to almost 32 weeks without any new ones. and now here they are. :(

fuckedy fuck.

but there is NOTHING i can do about it at this point.
except perhaps cry. complain. whine. etc.

though it is super frustrating to know that i have a month left before finn is supposed to come out...and that i'm just going to keep growing bigger...and that i can't just stop eating. FUCK. because if i weren't pregnant, i would just stop eating. that's what i do when i feel fat and gross. so it's pretty frustrating to not be able to do a damn thing about this weight thing right now. :(

and these stretch marks are on my stomach. YUCK. i've never had stretch marks on my stomach before. not with milo. not ever. i'm pretty appalled.

i need to stop bitching though.
these are my badges of honor.
they show where i've been.
and what i've been through.

so here's to sucking it up and trying not to freak out about it (too much) during the next month.

so. i posted a bunch of new pictures on facebook and myspace.
they are maternity and family pictures from when ryan was here.
some of them are cheesy, some of them are cute, and some of them are the awesome.
however...i'm feeling much too lazy to post them to a third location. :P
so you should go enjoy them on the other sites and comment.
why? because that would make me feel loved.



kthnxbye.

i am missing ryan SO MUCH already!! and he just left a few hours ago. :(