dammit. i tried calling the mental health clinic at the military hospital...

this is where i was seeing a lovely psychiatrist for awhile.
but then i up and bailed on her because my life was getting so hectic that i couldn't deal with having at least one doctor's appointment each week with psych and OB and more.

after this week. especially last night...i need to see her. ASAP.
i want to make an appointment for today if at all possible.
i tried calling (at 3:40 AM) in hopes of reaching a voicemail system, but no such luck.

dammit. so now what?
i already have an OB appointment today, so i think that when my alarm goes off for that...i'll call mental health, explain my situation, and BEG for an appointment.

sigh. i feel like a big fuck-up.

things were so bad last night that i sent ryan an emergency message.
(despite the fact that his company is on the DMZ on north korea's border until tomorrow, so it's really dangerous.)
he used another soldier's cell phone to call me.
i hysterically bawled while panicking at full force. trying to explain to him what i was feeling. how i wanted to destroy myself to make it stop. to make myself feel real again. to be able to deal.
i think i scared him pretty badly.
he was trying really hard to convince me to call for an ambulance.
mostly because i was having a lot of trouble breathing. and also because i was fighting the urge to self-destruct pretty goddamn hard.
talking to him calmed me down immeasurably.
but i promised him that if i started panicking in full force again that i would either call an ambulance or drive myself to the ER for help.
oh, the embarrassment that would involve.

i need help.
i've been on the verge of a breakdown all week.
and here it is.

fucking fantastic. </3